Monday, 10 April 2017

An Arduous Journey: After father's death

It has been a while since I last contributed to this blog.

I turned forty in the February but there was nothing to celebrate; my father died of cancer two days prior my birthday. He began complaining about pains and lost his appetite for food in January and about a month later he died of liver cancer.

I did not have a chance to settle things with my father and it makes me feel... empty. Not particularly sad nor anxious (well,a bit certainly), but mostly I've been just emotionally deflated. When my father realised that he was going to die, in combination with his constant pains and malnourishment, he just closed himself from people around him. No final words to anyone in any form that I know of, but there was this one thing: I found the last video he recorded on his camera. It was just about five minutes of his wife working in the kitchen, preserving some vegetables in jars for later use. There was no talking or interaction, but as I watched that video I did get a strong feeling that my father had found some level of comfort, if also sadness, in that moment. Then he turned off the camera, and that was the last of it all.

Up until now I've had nothing to say or write. There have certainly been thoughts and emotions within me, but nothing that I felt like sharing with others. My relationship with my father was a bit complex and strained, but I had always hoped that we would still have an opportunity to find a way to reconnect as a father and son, but to be honest I do not know for certain if that was something my father also wanted. I'd like to think it was, but we did not talk after he got his diagnosis. I tried to call him several times, but he was not inclined to talk on the phone. I decided to go and see him in person (it's a 4-5 hours trip by car), but two days before I was supposed to travel he was hospitalised. I decided to travel and see him on the very next day, but in the morning as I was about to head out I got the word that he had died two hours after midnight.

He did leave a large collection of photos and videos that I'm going to take over along with his writings on his computers. Perhaps through that legacy I may still learn something about the man who was my father.

From my Arduous Journey's point of view the effects have been mostly subtle, I think. It has been more difficult to center and focus, and to find inner peace, but I  have not been feeling all that anxious or even depressed. Just... somewhat disconnected.

However, I have gained some weight, and that is a dead giveaway that not all is well; my weight is usually the best indicator that I'm getting a little out of balance but once I notice this I can usually begin to identify and address my issues. It's spring time and I'm about to have some vacation time so that certainly helps. Another obvious sign has been that I've spent too much time on my sofa watching YouTube videos (and/or sleeping), but now that I finally got around writing about this all I feel that I'm about to turn things around for the better.

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