Monday, 15 January 2018

An Arduous Journey: (almost) a Year Later

About a year ago I learned about my father's cancer diagnosis, and he died only a couple of weeks later. This experience left me somewhat emotionally disconnected or disjointed: the only two or three times I've actually felt his death was the times I visited his workshop and looked around everything he had built and the things that he never finished; only in that place I could feel his absence.

In many other ways his death never really registered. I did not have chance to see and talk to him for the last time; I did not see his body after he died and only his ashes were buried. He was absent for the most part of my life so it mostly just feels like the times he moved abroad or there was lack of communication for other reasons, and even to this day I often feel like "it's been a while since we last spoke, perhaps I should give him a call next weekend". I should go to see his grave; I hear the headstone looks lovely.

Writing about it might also help, but while feeling emotionally disjointed I have not had much inspiration for writing. Now that I'm doing it again, it feels good.

Distractions can help as well. While I'm still not entirely sure if this is more a distraction or a genuinely useful endeavour, I'm about to continue my studies for Master of Business Administration in Tampere University of Applied Sciences.

Either way, it should do me good.


Sunday, 25 June 2017

Random Thoughts: A god is an idea

Not too long ago I was asked if I believed in god. To this I replied, I believe in two things. 

One: a god is an idea.
Two: perceived reality is subjective.

When one believes something to be true, it becomes subjectively true, and so an idea can be manifested as a god when one believes this to be true; that this is how the reality is. As more people come to share this belief, the stronger the idea - and the manifest god - becomes. 

The reality is as we perceive it: a person sees signs of a god's influence in an event because the god is part of that person's perceived reality while another person sees the same event without any signs of divine influence as the god is not included in that person's perceived reality.

Over the eons when people have seen or experienced something they do not understand they have come up with ideas that make sense to them; an idea that explains something that is beyond their comprehension in a manner they can relate to: a god did it! For these people world is as a god or gods have ordained it to be, which I find ironic because in my perceived reality humans created the gods as their image, and not the other way around. 

So to answer the question I was asked: if I would say that I do believe in god, it would still be doubtful that I would understand the god or gods the same way as the other person; I have my own ideas, and by extension, my own perceived reality.

Monday, 10 April 2017

An Arduous Journey: After father's death

It has been a while since I last contributed to this blog.

I turned forty in the February but there was nothing to celebrate; my father died of cancer two days prior my birthday. He began complaining about pains and lost his appetite for food in January and about a month later he died of liver cancer.

I did not have a chance to settle things with my father and it makes me feel... empty. Not particularly sad nor anxious (well,a bit certainly), but mostly I've been just emotionally deflated. When my father realised that he was going to die, in combination with his constant pains and malnourishment, he just closed himself from people around him. No final words to anyone in any form that I know of, but there was this one thing: I found the last video he recorded on his camera. It was just about five minutes of his wife working in the kitchen, preserving some vegetables in jars for later use. There was no talking or interaction, but as I watched that video I did get a strong feeling that my father had found some level of comfort, if also sadness, in that moment. Then he turned off the camera, and that was the last of it all.

Up until now I've had nothing to say or write. There have certainly been thoughts and emotions within me, but nothing that I felt like sharing with others. My relationship with my father was a bit complex and strained, but I had always hoped that we would still have an opportunity to find a way to reconnect as a father and son, but to be honest I do not know for certain if that was something my father also wanted. I'd like to think it was, but we did not talk after he got his diagnosis. I tried to call him several times, but he was not inclined to talk on the phone. I decided to go and see him in person (it's a 4-5 hours trip by car), but two days before I was supposed to travel he was hospitalised. I decided to travel and see him on the very next day, but in the morning as I was about to head out I got the word that he had died two hours after midnight.

He did leave a large collection of photos and videos that I'm going to take over along with his writings on his computers. Perhaps through that legacy I may still learn something about the man who was my father.

From my Arduous Journey's point of view the effects have been mostly subtle, I think. It has been more difficult to center and focus, and to find inner peace, but I  have not been feeling all that anxious or even depressed. Just... somewhat disconnected.

However, I have gained some weight, and that is a dead giveaway that not all is well; my weight is usually the best indicator that I'm getting a little out of balance but once I notice this I can usually begin to identify and address my issues. It's spring time and I'm about to have some vacation time so that certainly helps. Another obvious sign has been that I've spent too much time on my sofa watching YouTube videos (and/or sleeping), but now that I finally got around writing about this all I feel that I'm about to turn things around for the better.