"How many have laid waste to your life when you weren't aware of what you were losing, how much was wasted in pointless grief, foolish joy, greedy desire, and social amusements - how little of your own was left to you. You will realize you were dying before your time!"
Seneca: On the Brevity of Life, 3.3b
I have written about how my depression and anxiety has occasionally given me hard time and indeed, it crippled me for a good part of the last year. I wasted months of my life while lying on the couch, watching TV and trying to get a grip over feelings of despair, hopelessness, loneliness, irrelevance, futility, and gods know what else: I felt like I was a ship in a dead water. My engines were running but I wasn't going anywhere and my rudder was unresponsive.
Eventually I reached the point where I simply let go of most things and people in my life, many of which I had considered important to me. What little resources was still available to me I dedicated to doing my work, caring for my dog, and keeping my home in a livable condition, but that was about it for the most part and whatever remained I focused inward.
I was forced to to take account of what is truly important to me in my life, and what things are within the realm of my own control - and to understand which of those things were either one or the other, but not both. This was my first proper step to mental and emotional recovery, and into stoic philosophy.
It is not easy to let go of things and people in life, but it should also be understood that letting go does not necessarily mean that those things and people are lost in life - one should take note of those who understand and hold on to those who hold on to you, I believe. It is about understanding the limits of one's control over the things and people in life, and about how one chooses to respond to this understanding.
For example, I have very little influence over how people view me and regard me so how much energy and effort should I dedicate to such matters? Should I keep myself clean, groomed and well-dressed because I'm doing it all in hopes of improving the attitudes of other people towards me, or because it makes me feel better about myself? Should I make career choices based on whatever I think might advance me on the corporate and social ladder, or should I settle on doing things that I find personally interesting and meaningful, and doing it well because it is a matter of professional pride to me?
This is just one of the many possible points of observation, but I suppose it is as good as any to start with. I've spent energy on taking stand on political matters and mostly felt just frustration over it all because I liked to fool myself into thinking that occasional rants in Facebook and blogs might influence people's way of thinking. Sure, it might have with few individuals but nothing I've done has actually changed anything. These are matters that are beyond my control so why should I concern myself with them instead of focusing on things that I can actually influence? Despite all my feelings of resentment, anger and frustration towards social injustice, underhanded politics, corporate exploitation of those who cannot stand for themselves, and so many other things, what else have I ever achieved except open myself for depression and anxiety? By honestly taking account of what lies within my sphere of influence and by understanding how close to just me and my home those limits are, I have found some of the lost peace of mind.
For now, I live and write just for myself.
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